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frozen72 said:
Wow, good questions Sara1010. Since my father (Retired Army) is the control monster I didn't pay much attention to the husband behavior (unless it got explosive).

Funny, I could always cope enough when married to my service memeber but you get to move every three years and everyone you know is an anquaintance. Plus, I guess I identified myself as 'his wife', nothing more.

hmmm, thank you for listening and I'm glad I have an avenue to express things I won't to another human. Oh, thanks for the book link Sara- I don't think I would have realized that information was here.

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You know by what you say "explosive" this to me means he had a temper. It is not unheard of for people to control others with anger. Let me also guess here, he would get moody and quiet when he was upset with you and perhaps deny there was anything wrong when you asked? If so, just nod your head (LOL) and go to Barnes & Nobles and get the book Emotional Blackmail by Dr Susan Forward. This book is more for as it is happening, but.....she also gives insight to why you might have lost some of yourself in him.

The idea here is to read and learn about your self until you can honestly say you are a nice person and deserve the freindships you have made and will make. This is where I am right now. Learning who I am again, apart but with my husband. I have recently realized he suffers from being passive/aggressive, which opens the door to Emotionally Blackmailing those he comes in contact with. Me mostly. All these years he used my weaknesses to keep me in line, and I suffered for it. From that Inner Child of the Past I went to I'M OK YOU'RE OK book, to Dr Forward's which literally jumped off the shelf at B & N's when I went to just look. The title felt so damn right.

Just remember one thing, never, ever stand still in working on yourself. The moment you do, stagnation sets in and you get comfy in a spot that will not work for long.