Kacey, I'm so sorry you are hurting so badly. Poor poor you.

It's so complicated. I can imagine how hurtful it feels when your T appears to have just let you go without a fight, but I guess he is bound by strict ethics, and when you said 'I'm terminating, don't reply', he would be failing to respect your autonomy and could even be accused of harrassing you if he did reply. The mixed feelings also sound very confusing- feeling alone and afraid for your future, and at the same time feeling relieved at escaping from the constantly wanting more and the judgements you make about yourself for that. It is understandable to feel cheated and tricked.

I'm so glad you're going to the DBT skills group. I hope that the skills are helping a bit and it would be fab if you could connect with some of the group members. You're probably right that they're likely to figure out that you don't have an individual T, but perhaps you could use DEAR MAN and negotiate with them when it gets to that point? Tell them that the group is important to you and you are willing to work with them to find a solution so you can stay in it?

If you really are certain that the pain of the attachment far outweighs any possible benefits, could you see another T who you're less likely to form such a strong attachment to? Does your attachment follow a pattern- is it more likely to occur with particular types of people? I know that mine is generally to 30-something year old females, and if I wanted a 'functional, purely business' T relationship I would see an older man, for example. But perhaps it's not this straight forward for you? I guess an alternative would be to go for a different kind of therapy, which is less focused on the relationship e.g. have individual DBT skills training to reinforce what you are learning in the group? This would just focus on teaching you the skills and you doing your homework.

A few people have gently suggested the possibility of going back to your T. I wanted to say that I hope that if this is what would be good and healing for you, you will be able to do this.

Please keep writing. It is so understandable to be reeling from the loss of such an intense and important relationship, especially when you don't have much support in your life outside therapy. You are not all alone in this pain. We care very much about what happens to you and I'm thinking of you