{{{{{{{{{Tomi}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

You are so special, so sweet.

I know my T cares about me, I am in daily contact with him even during the poor man's vacation time, he calls me.

But like him, you can't change my feelings about myself - too many years and experiences have happened to change me into what I am. I can't, and won't, believe things that I know will end up hurting me more - the fear within is too great and has history on it's side.

Your question about my T's breaking point hurt. I am not trying to do that. All he has to do is stop asking me questions, stop calling me...........he refuses to do that. If necessary I will have to begin lying to him, and deal with those feelings because it goes against my nature to do that.

Sat. night at work I was standing in the restroom with a kitchen knife to my throat and running the blade across it lightly. I had thought about calling my T but wouldn't because it was 1am and I'm not worth disturbing his whole family for at that hour.

Last night I took 13 Valium pills.........and am still here. Will I tell him?? No.....I have no wish to be hospitalized or to bother him more than I am already while he is on vacation. There is no rhyme or reason for what I was doing. Certainly not to push him to a breaking point.

Last night was an experiment - like I told my T, my tolerance level for meds is very high - higher than I anticipated. I had thought after Xmas and Alex's b-day was over that the stress reduction would be enough to make it bearable.

I am home for the next two days and things have been escalating here as well.

If I have upset anyone, I am sorry........but I wanted you to know why I am not "visible" that much. I am here, just in my hole.

Mary Alice