I was born into a wonderful loving family, with a mother that would have laid
down her life for me and a ever-present father who was immensely devoted to his
family. I was brought home from the hospital, wrapped in a beautiful pink
blanket that my mother had lovingly made for me, and introduced to my two older
brothers who thought the sun rose and set in me. Toddlerhood was a whirlwind
of exciting experiences, the magic and innocence of childhood, and the warm
love of a close family. My first memory, of course, is my mother cuddling me
on her lap and whispering in my ear how much she loved me. She always smelled
like fresh baked cookies, I recall. There were never cross words in my home
and discipline was always fair and lovingly administered. No violence ever
crossed our doorstep.
Holidays were the highlight of the year. We were a most festive family and the
holiday season only magnified the love that existed year round. I recall huge
dinners with extended family, a beautiful christmas tree, gorgeous lights,
sounds and smells.
My school years were happy and fun. I was one of the popular ones, the golden
ones. Everyone loved me and I was blessed with many friends. I made A' s in
all of my classes and graduated at the top of my class. Free time was spent
surrounded by a circle of good friends enjoying the company of each other.
There was no need for drugs or alcohol, I was high on life.
And I grew up healthy and happy...

The reality....
Mom couldn't have cared less and Dad was never there. I don't recall my mother
ever cuddling me as a child. My real first memory is one of pain and
confusion. Fresh baked cookies were never smelled in our home. Screaming was
a regular occurence and the slightest infarction of the 'rules' brought down
the mighty hand of physical punishment. Belts, hairbrushes, tree branches,
anything that could be gotten ahold of at the moment became instruments of
discipline.
Holidays were not celebrated in our home. We belonged to a very strict church
that didn't believe in holidays. School parties at school meant that I would
be sent home before the parties began. I would arrive home crying and would
immediately be beaten for crying about it. "If you're gonna cry, I'm gonna
give you something to cry about." We lived across from the elementary school
and I recall sitting in the window sobbing, watching all the other kids having
an easter egg hunt when I was in the first grade. We never had a christmas
tree until I was 12, I never had a stocking or a wrapped gift until I was 12, I
never went trick or treating, and I never had an easter basket.
School was torture for me. I had no friends, at least until I got a little
older and joined the bad crowd. I never really fit in with them either. I got
picked on constantly in school. I made straight F's, even though I knew the
material, because I wouldn't do the work. Mom wouldn't send lunch money for me
and wouldn't send lunch with me. (Don't know why that sticks out in my mind) I
wasn't allowed to participate in extra-curricular activities, except band.
Once I was old enough to get out of the house on my own, I stayed high for
years. I don't recall details of most of my teenage years, actually most of my
life. College was not even thought of in my family. We just didn't do things
like succeed. Sexually, right from the start, I always knew more than anyone
else. And why not, it had been a part of my life from toddlerhood, forced and
willingly. I didn't graduate high school and dropped out in the 11th grade.

And I grew up to be me.

I think I'd rather recall the first version.