I find couples therapy hard.
Today I was able to make it through the session. Better than that I put on quite a show. I acted strong, I sat up straight, I kept "open" and listened and spoke as honestly as possible. Meanwhile, my heart was in my stomach, a lump was in my throat. I wanted to attack my T for every other thing she said. I wanted to shake my partner. I just want to yell.
I don't know what to say.
How can something feel necessary, feel like the right thing to do but also feel so awful?
Being in a relationship is like existing within a house of mirrors. When I see her come close I carefully move closer, when I see her pull away I quickly pull away - always too late. But... is she really pulling away? I can't tell. Is it an illusion?
What I learned about trust and love while growing up makes an intimate relationship into a house of mirrors. When do I trust? When do I shut down and pull away? I'm just never safe.
Don't let anyone get too close.
What was I thinking?
When I met my partner, I set off from the shore swimming. Everything was blue and clear. But now I am lost in the water. I can't see the shore anymore and I don't know how far it is to the next island. I just keep swimming. Hoping I'll make it.