I had a rough day, not to sound complainy (not a word, I know). It started out great, I think I was having a manic episode all day until tonight and now I just feel horrible, like I cant move and have no reason to anyway. Usually my manic episodes don't last as long as my depressive ones but I've been going back and forth so much recently it's starting to make me feel constantly confused.
My mom, who is the only one who pays any attention to me anymore, doesn't get it and blames me for feeling this way. Especially when I'm depressed. She thinks that I should be able to control it and I'm choosing not to try. She actually said this to my face. And this made me feel monumentally worse than I already did because everyday I try so hard to be happy when I'm depressed, for their sake. Because I have it in my head that it somehow hurts other people, but I'm not so sure anymore. My mom at least certainly doesn't act this way.
And I'm tired of feeling guilty and everyone blaming me, because though I feel like I should be able to do something about it, I just can't, no matter how hard I try. It just hurts so much to hear someone say that it's not good enough.

I think the worst part about being a teenager with BP is that you can't deal with it in your own way, there's always someone at your back to scold you when you do something that isn't what they think is right or normal. Whereas if I were alone at least is be able to act it out properly, instead of trying to hide everything inside. Though maybe everyone with this disease feels this way, I wouldn't know.

I think about suicide all the time, but after hearing my mom say that if anything happened to me she would kill herself, the guilt of the idea is just too much for me. So I settle for devising creative plans for just how I might accomplish it some day.
I wonder if someone's life could be one, drawn out suicide attempt, living in misery your whole life until one day nothing holds you back and you just end it.

I wish I was a firework and I could live my short life bright and shining, then just die out completely. That way I wouldn't feel guilty over it, because no one would miss me at all, and
they would remember me in my greatest, shining moment and nothing else.

Thanks for listening, it makes me feel better to get all my thoughts out there