Amarantha,
I hear you. I understand a lot of what you are saying. I wasn't diagnosed with BP until I was 38 years old but I had been dealing with symptoms since I was in my teens. I just never knew what to do about it then and my mood swings weren't really bad until I was in college. My parents never saw me when I was getting bad, so I never had to deal with what you are going through.

Like you, I dealt with suicidal thoughts and ideations a lot. I actually tried to kill myself too. I am so glad I was not successful. I never realized how selfish it would have been and how it would have hurt my wife and children. I think everyone who struggles with mental illness struggles with thoughts of suicide at some point and some struggle more than others. As much as it hurts now, as much as you may want to die, I am totally convinced that it will get better for you as long as you fight and don't give up.

As for your mom and the rest of your family, they are probably scared. When my parents first learned that I have BP they cried and blamed themselves. They thought that they had done something wrong. It took some time for me to educate them on my illness for them to realize they did nothing wrong. Maybe your parents are scared and maybe they blame themselves a little without fully understanding what you are dealing with. If you haven't done so maybe you could go to a family therapist who deals with mental illness and your family, or at least your mom, could gain some insight into your life. It can't hurt but it can get a little uncomfortable.

Just know that you have a lot of people here who will encourage you and help you work through what you are struggling with. We want to help because we understand. We have all been there and we don't like seeing others hurt. I hope you can find the peace you want and need.

Mac