I've had a feeling that I've always had, probably its this feeling that led to my alcoholism, a need to numb it. I normally can't even begin to describe, it just is.

The last few sessions we've been talking about soothing, and thats been painful because parts of me that have remained numb for all time are beginning to wake up, and as real as that feels, its very painful thawing process.

Yesterday I told T I dint even want to begin to talk about this feeling I've always had because it feels to impossible to put words too, and I closed my mouth. T then said do you fear that no one can help you with it? be there with you with it? I nodded yes, and then I said, its like being in an old fashion style lunatic asylum, where insane people are walking around screaming, talking, shouting and I'm trying to find some peace within that. T said, you'd go catatonic, I said that sounds nice because its happening inside of me now, the screaming and it feels If I let it out I wont be able to stop it, I said it is making me feel sick. T said yes, thats an unstoppable sudden pouring of something inside to the outside. I was surprised when she said that and yes thats just how it felt if I continued to concentrate on this screaming inside of me.

T said, the trouble with it being inside of you is that you get caught up in it, she said imagine when your children were babies crying uncontrollable what did you do? I sat and thought about that and said, well I tried to comfort them, T just nodded yes. I could see then what she was getting at.

Some more was said, but then she said, has the words we;ve been using today helped soothe that feeling? I nodded yes, they had, its amazing how just talking about feelings helps put perspective to them, helps you manage them, the feeling of this uncontrollable crying and screaming inside suddenly became something I could manage. I felt so aware of the baby me inside of me crying and in panic that no one was going to pick her up, which no one much did when I was a baby. I was kinda of shocked to see just how much we do still carry this unresolved feelings inside of us and by just not talking about them doesn't make them go away, this feeling has been with me constantly, plays out sometimes when I'm driving and go into that dream or should I say nightmare state and suddenly want to run people over, shoot them and I just thought this was anger that I carried, I didn't see as the anger stemming from that baby that had cried and cried and no one heard it.

Once The session was over, I felt this peace inside, I felt very visual as if I was seeing the baby inside of me crying and raging and once was in charge, to me being able to pick it up and soothe it, now if I feel that anger coming on I know what its cause is and can manage it!