Hi and welcome. Yes, what you describe does sound very very familiar.

And anger is tricky. While rage is obvious, and not everyone has rageful outbursts (and some only in private), anger directed toward oneself with thoughts of being "such a failure" and being the cause of another person's thoughts and behavior is anger. When it doesn't feel okay to be angry toward another, it feels okay - safer - to turn the anger toward oneself.

Blaming oneself also carries with it an illusion of power, that somehow we control others' thoughts and behaviors. It takes work to see how separate each person is, whether someone very close to us or someone not known at all. It feels much better when we can live in our own separateness and accept and honor others' separateness.