Hi, I posted this before but it was my first post and I dont think it went through yet.
A little background info: 19, female, in a very sexually active, healthy and loving relationship with my boyfriend of one year, was a virgin before him, not religious.
Anyway, I was looking to see if anyone out there isn't turned on by 'regular' sex, only taboo? I have been watching porn regularly (phases of gay and lesbian but now am sure i'm straight) since about 12 years old. I have been into very extreme fetishes (BDSM, pain, incest, authoritarian). I was depressed for most of my teenage years and had a 2 month stay in a unit when I was 17, now fully recovered and off medication.
To begin with, sex with my boyfriend was fun and I enjoyed it, I had a high sex drive. But shortly after, that bored me and I found it difficult to get aroused. As it was early in our relationship I was embarrassed and have used lubes secretly before he comes over or when he is in the bathroom to make sex possible and pretend I am enjoying it. I have never had an orgasm through masturbation or sex but fake regularly.
I would class this under a health problem for vaginal dryness and have recently started changing my pill and lifestyle to see if that is the cause of my seemingly-unarousal (as not being wet makes me very stressed and not enjoy sex which i used to love). However, when we use handcuffs/blindfolds/domination/teasing, i can fantasise more extreme in my head (incest often) and get aroused, so i feel this may not be wholly a physical problem, but a mental one too.
I'm hugely embarrassed that sometimes I cant get lube to pretend im wet and when we were first going out and we were drunk, i bled a bit as i wasnt wet and out of embarrassment, i lied and said i was abused as a child (something i feel hugely ashamed of, seeing as i wasnt and i donated and joined survivors of abuse help groups as am strongly against pedophilia and abuse to a huge level). This lie has made it easy to not say the real reason as to why sometimes i cant have sex but i am really ashamed i did it, its just too late to go back and say i lied without ruining a huge portion of our relationship. he never pressures me into sex and we are a very close couple, i just dont know how to address this.
Im hoping it is mostly physical, but i only ever find taboo exciting. I dont know what to do, or if i am alone?