Hello... we haven't met... I'm a newbie. Thank you for sharing, if you hadn't I wouldn't have a clue as to your situation. You are carrying so much emotional pain, and I'm so sorry you are struggling so! SI is such a misunderstood action... I do understand some though. My T. has helped with similar issues and I found that by "telling myself" that I have a very caring T. I don't need to express my [whatever-pain, anger, frustration-] through my actions that are unacceptable to me. It's one of those, okay self, I feel like I need to [ ] but I have someone who listens and cares, and gives me all the help and attention I can handle.. I don't need to take this out on "myself" (or others...) and I can express it differently. I t has helped, especially with my PTSD and stress reactions that are totally inappropriate... it (I) speaks to my unconscious and helps to change things. Maybe it might help a little for you?
If you must SI, you must do so safely. Give yourself permission perhaps that while you still do, you will only do so with proper safety precautions (like sterilzing the area and stopping the result asap.) Please stay, and post again. You sound like a real friend to others here... and maybe we can be also ; }