its been decided for me I guess-

its been too much trying to be a devoted friend and thinking that was recognized only to find the self-sacrifice was not ever necessary, was done based on the misinformation that others were alone and reaching out as well. Now Ive erased so much of myself that holds the abuse - in the interest of protecting and caring for loved ones that I am rendered defensless.

When the history/identity/affect fragments that hold pain and mortification are deleted - so goes any chance of sustaining life. When one deletes their selves in the interest of protecting and sustaining others all is lost when the sacrifices are immaterial and unrecognized. The defensless then become a burdon which must be "handled" with profound rejection like running from a shadow.

Unless such "heroism" is for the sake of a child we must hold onto our defenses embodied as pain and mortification and anger too are the necessary red flags that say stop- what you're giving up doesn't count to them in the world. I didnt know any better , yet again.

I look forward to the voltage that might erase the memory but then- will also erase the ability to watch out for it happening again.