Hi, PC. It has been so long since I've posted. After almost a year of struggling with the label "hypochondriac" I've done my research and think I'm on the correct terms. I'm going through a rough time with everything right now. Since September, I've been on medication that doesn't help. I believe I've been treated for the wrong things and have even noticed a few things my therapist has said that match BPD.

I was hoping someone could help me figure myself out and lead me onto the right path with a few answers. I cannot visit my shrink for another two months and my therapist in one. So, here I go. I want to know if anyone with BPD can relate to my story or self injury, bulimia, and generalized helplessness.

I never felt like I belonged or that someone could care for me. I began to see my mom differently after she beat me in the head over a pop tart almost two years ago. That's when things got bad: I developed bulimia and starved myself, losing ten pounds in a month. I never met my father. He killed himself when I was six weeks old. I was then put into a foster home along side my older brother when my mom was labeled mentally unstable by the state of Florida. She was committed, affected by the death of my father. Now, my mother was married to a man that had walked out on her when she had me. I'm in the middle of three children, the second oldest. My mother never married my father. All three of my brothers are half brothers. My mother has three children; my father, two. I'm the only girl in both situations.

I have mad mood swings. In a day, I can feel 20 different things. It will start out either depression or happiness. Then it will turn to silent anger, because I want to be cared for my someone and loved, but mostly by my mother. I obsess over illnesses, but don't try to fake them for attention. I pay attention to my body and what it tells me. I look of the dizzy spells I get, the shakiness, high blood pressure. I freak out if I have more than one symptom of diabetes and look up all the information I can about it, in hopes that I am really ill, then maybe my mother would care for me. When I tell my mom my symptoms, she sighs and walks off. She's sick of the ******** with my mental state. But it's mind over matter. I know I have a mental illness, more so than any physical one, because I'm constantly obsessive over my weight, appearance, and overall health. It seems to be the only way someone can care for me.

When my mom sighs and walks away, I silently get angry. I hide my emotions from people and lie about how I truly feel. I've always been known as a liar, since I could talk. I feel guilty about it, and often harm myself when I do. I wish I could change my ways, but I lie over and over again--the size of the matter isn't a concern. Even the smallest thing, I have to hide. I feel as if my mom is going to kill me and think I'm stupid for the truth. Like whatever I do, I'm a **** up.

I really want to be accepted by my mother, but also other people too. I bend my back trying to please everyone, which leads to guilt and depression, self harm and binging and purging or starvation to cope. I hate myself, but I look for every excuse to blame it on someone else, letting them know I am not happy. I've said time and time again I was leaving everyone and talk a lot about suicide, but not to my mom. I have an all or nothing mind. I do things in excess or limited amount--starvation/bulimia/etc-- and it's insane.

Can anyone relate to this?