Thanks everyone here's the update. Let me respond to posts first:

Eileen- Thank you for your empathy and for the link to the samaritans. I will keep them in mind. I did not know that was an option.

LastYear- Thanks for the hope and cheerleading! One of the things that make it sticky is that t's wife is one of the DBT group leaders. Hard to talk about t issues.

Improving- I really appreciate you reminding me about the ethics on his behalf, about how if I say don't contact me he really has his hands tied. And what a dilema I could possibly be putting him in by terminating in email and then asking him to call me. Phone issues have changed recently or are in the process of change. Before I had t's cell phone to call for phone coaching and now the clinic is changing their DBT program and there is a different phone that will be rotated between 4 or 5 psychologist/psychiatrists. So before I had contact with t and now I only will if it is his week. Right now he has the new phone because they haven't started that rotation. I will change this week or next probably. When I called the new phone line yesterday I did not even know if he had the phone or not. In my message I just asked for him to call me.

Darkrunner- I could very possibly have acted passive aggressively in this whole situation. I did call his office at the end of the day on Friday because he usually doesn't return calls until the end of the day. I did wait it out all week hoping he would call me. Then I panicked about not being able to reach him and I was going to have to sit with these emotions all weekend long when I kind of thought I would only have to wait it out for a while. I really thought he would have called. He has in the past. I guess the rules have changed a little.

PoetGirl- Yes it is a relationship with contrary aspects to it. I think that is what is so hard for me to understand sometimes. I have thought about this a lot and what I think is that I've had my boundaries broken a lot as a kid and also rigid rules and it feels like punishment or something. I don't know.....

This is getting long so I will respond to others later ok?

Last night my t did not call back and a couple hours later I called that line again at least hoping for coaching from whoever had the phone. He answered this time. He told me that I could schedule an appointment and we could work through this. That he was hopeful we could do the hard work. He said that he reacted very strongly to my email. He was angry and discouraged. He said he did have the staff cancel all of my appointments. I always schedule two months out because the 4 pms on tues are the only thing that work for me because that is the latest and they are always filled up and I have to work. I am just overwhelmed and bummed out. I guess I will just talk with him on Monday and see what to do. I will write more about our brief conversation later as this post is getting long.