Mac has made some really good points. This really is a tough one..maybe what your mom thinks of as "trying" is different than your definition. Here's the thing...when I was a teenager, there wasn't any BPII..if you didn't have full-blown mental illness, then you were labeled a drama queen or weak, or stupid. For a long time I had the same thoughts you're having. I imagined being a firework like you said and how everyone would be so sorry they treated me badly. I don't feel like that any more, but if I had acted on it, I wouldn't be here now, appreciating what is good in my life.

The truth is, more often than not, life is a struggle - but it is for everyone. Being a mom, I can tell you that your mom is blaming herself that you're not better, which is why she pushes you to try harder. Mentally willing yourself to be happy is just going to make you more miserable. Feeling guilty is something that you have chosen - believe it or not, no one who cares about you is deliberately trying to make you feel guilty or miserable. Learning tools to help you focus on a positive outlook is really important, and therapy helps a lot.

Trying to bury your feelings isn't good, but you also need to accept that when you choose to act out, you also have to accept whatever consequences there are. Example: say you get mad and break a lamp. Even if it was the BP talking, you are still responsible for making it right - apologize and replace it if you can, but at least apologize for breaking it.

The other thing is that it takes a lot of energy to focus on the dark side and keep it up. Just think if you learned to take that energy and focus it on the good things in your life. That's where therapy comes in again.

I know it doesn't feel like it, but it gets better. If all you do is say that to yourself over and over, "It gets better." "It gets better." "IT GETS BETTER!", then you will find that you have the strength to keep going.