Hi, I'm new to the forums, so hopefully won't say anything out of place. Apologies if I do.

I've been diagnosed with BPD for five years, and am 24 at the end of the month. I have also suffered from quite severe related psychosis for eight years.

I'm exhausted with it. I've been through a lot of therapy, including many intensive and inpatient psychotherapies, as well as medication. I've spent the last two years in and out of deep crises and in and out of hospital.

I find I'm feeling more and more like ending my life. At the moment, the future seems impossible and unbearable, and death feels like the right thing to do.

My immediate family are a wonderful source of support and they are what keep me here - I'm terribly afraid of hurting them. But my 'need to die' feels so strong that I have been having intrusive thoughts about killing them, so that they wouldn't feel the pain. I recognise it's incredibly narrow-minded and selfish, but I struggle to see how anyone wants to live, and part of me thinks I'd be saving them.

I have no intention of acting on these thoughts, ideally we would go together in a suicide pact but I know they actually like life, which is part of the reason I wouldn't cause harm to them, but the thoughts are graphic and they distress me.

I am wondering if thoughts of hurting others are normal in BPD?