Thanks for the honesty Zen. I'm sorry if I pressed a hot button for you. I'm glad you wrote because I didn't think that maybe I was looking for an ideal in him as well... it's something for me to think about.

To all: Some good questions were asked here; 1. Why did I fall into a relationship with him to begin with? Was it because of low self-esteem? I have been examining these same questions myself. What I have come to find is that it was not a matter of low self-esteem. It has more to do with boundary issues. Growing up I had an abusive mother where boundaries and abuse were the norm. Personal boundaries meant nothing in my home. I did not learn how to qualify people in my life. I just took whatever came my way. It's just my boundaries that need to be examined at this point.
Another reason for ending up in this relationship IS because of the empathy I have for people who have issues as a result of traumatic childhoods. Because of my own traumatic experiences in childhood, I could sincerely relate to his pain. I've done a lot of personal work to get past and through my own childhood. I feel I've come out fairly emotionally and mentally healthy. I felt that with all I've learned about myself that I could help him. Call that codpendency. I know I have that issue to contend with. It's that and boundary issues I believe that landed me here. I also do believe that love can heal all wounds. Pretty naive of me, but it did work for me. I learned how to love myself. I wanted to give him everything I had and I did...

It was this vulnerable man I saw that I once saw in myself that I wanted to nurture and love. To let him know he wasn't alone and that someone cared. It was he who kept backing me off. Once I made the decision to just go with it, to follow my heart despite what I saw in him (and I did not mean to come off as he being beneath me or anything like that at ALL,) it was he, who time and time again backed me off.

But now, he IS coming around. He HAS made changes and IS trying to break free of those OCPD rigid chains that keep him locked in his very lonely prison.

I do understand the difficulties people with PD's face. My mother has a PD. I know how difficult a PD is in familial and interpersonal relationships. I just never had the experience of knowing one with OCPD. He's the sweetest guy on the face of the earth and I honestly love him with my whole heart. But his PD is very difficult to live with.

You're right. Trust is a major issue in this relationship. I don't know if I can trust him. Everytime I have trusted that he does love me, he pulls a "I want other things." on me. I'm just not sure given his particular PD that he really means it or if it's his black and white thinking regarding this particular matter or if it's a defense mechanism to ward off the *feelings* which drive him crazy with uncertainty. People with OCPD put up 4 huge walls to keep the feelings out... it doesn't matter how good they feel, they can't deal with them. It creates havoc in their structured and ordered world. But at the same time, he loves me so much that he's in complete conflict over what he feels for me and returning to his orderly, controlled environment. He has said that he thinks he can be happy with me. He has said that he needs me to carry him through... then he says no more... it goes back to the flat affect... no showing of being happy as he says... just all is a completely I could care less attitude, when inside he's DYING for these feelings to never go away... he wants to love me, but it creates a crisis for him. I don't know how to assure him of my love. I kept trying and trying and he just didn't trust it. He kept backing me off as a result of his own inner OCPD conflict.

You have to understand OCPD. These people do not like to feel anything. Feelings cause them GREAT anxiety. He needs ORDER in his life. Where feelings are concerned for him, it's completely unchartered territory. He has not had a relationship with a woman in many, many years. I loved him with ALL of my heart because I could see this man needed love desperately. I needed it too... Growing up with my abusive PD afflicted mother, I never had the love and could relate greatly to what I saw in him. Call it traumatic bonding or what have you... but bond, we did. Now I need balance... and so does he...

Whatever he's done to me, he may have done out of defenses, but I didn't know that at the time. If it's his black and white thinking, I don't know if it's something he can get past.

I am not playing games with him. I love him very much. I think time will tell if we can work through this. I really love this man. I wouldnt' hurt him for the world. It's been so up and down, but that love, for whatever reasons it came to be? It's there just the same.

I suppose taking our time is the right course to take. We've talked about that... and we have slowed things down quite a bit. It's been more comfortable. It's been very comfortable for a change and I suppose that's why I ask the question on whether he can or cannot get past his rigid *philosophy* of what it is he wants. I don't trust that the love he feels for me will win out over his rigidly held PD beliefs about what he *thinks* he wants.

Thanks for listening and replying. I appreciate your support and insight. I've got a lot of thinking to do in regards to this relationship. Do I risk this? I love him so much it hurts... I want him to know I would never hurt him... but I can't trust he won't hurt me in the end... because of his PD... It's not fair for either of us. It's just not fair...

hisgirl