call my mom...a lot. I want to call her to hear her voice, call her to wish her happy holidays, call her...just because. Just because I love her so much. I want to feel her arms around me again. I want to see her face. I want all of that again. But I won't ever experience any of that again. Not in this life, anyways.

There are some days where I just want to give up and be with her. She gave so much of herself in life. Unfortunately it is widely known by many that the middle child doesn't get much...that's me. She was always paying attention to my brother, getting stuff all the time for my little sister. I never seemed to get what I wanted from her. I may be a bit selfish myself, but I know what I wanted from her and never received it. Not till a few days before she died. That was only one thing! You see, I always wanted more than anything to hear my mom tell me she loved me with emotion backed behind those words. Then she finally said it with emotion, but it was like it was too late. I mean the other kids always got what they wanted. They were pretty materialistic. I only got what I really wanted once. I only desired emotion and things like that...I'm not materialistic at all really. I can be, but not usually. I guess I should be happy that I finally got it, but I'm actually heartbroken that it took so long to get and now I cannot even enjoy it.