I've spent a lot of time in therapy identifying triggers and doing my best to diffuse the unavoidable ones... this time is so different and I think that's why it has knocked me off my feet. In the past, the triggers were always tangible..a word, a smell, an anniversary, a milestone in my childrens lives...Something I could always identify.
This time is so different...they are attacking me from out of the blue almost. I talked to my T about it on Friday, he said this time they are being triggered by emotions. I feel so helpless, desperate, lost. A lot of my feelings are coming from trying help my son with his depression. I wasn't prepared for so much to be stirred up in me. I'm drowning here.
I was better able to deal with the flashbacks when they were "action" based. Stuck in the memories and feeling miserable, but from a distance..emotionless.
Now they are full of what it felt like then...I feel like I'm turning into that scared little girl again and the feelings that I've suppressed for decades are destroying me...chipping away at any progress I thought I made.
When I first told T my story, he would say, "how did you feel?" I answered the generic answers...hurt, scared, alone. But, I never connected the word with the actually feeling.
The dots are beginning to connect and I'm not sure I can do this...