I have so many things bringing me down right now. I'd like to list everything, but even I don't know what it all is. The holidays seem to bring this all on more than anything. I'm thinking more of my mom, how she made everything so special and everything. There used to be that holiday feeling and that feeling of love that came with the holidays. But that feeling's gone. It left with her. Now the holidays just feel like I'm in a strange place where I get gifts just because I'm there. There's no special feeling in it.

I can't afford to get anyone presents this year, which really brings me down. I can't afford anything. Not even a stupid card for my dad, let alone my boyfriend. I feel so inadequate and useless. It's not like I'm keeping money for bills or food, either. I put in $100 in my checking account just so I'd have some money to eat on. Unfortunately, I was more in the hole than I thought. By the time I put in the money I had $14 for 2 people for food. Most of that food is gone now. And I just checked my balance again, it's back to $-130. I don't know where I'm gonna come up with that. We have a box of mac and cheese, a can of tuna, some cheese, and some bread till we can get $50 on Monday. Yeah, some freakin holiday! I don't even know how I'm gonna make it food-wise till then. I'm stuck. I have nothing.

It's like there's never an end to any of this crap. I keep trying to do everything I can to stay afloat but nothing works.