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hiya butterfly_wings! welcome to PC!
I'm sorry you're going through so much turmoil, so much that you have thoughts of killing yourself. I hope you are able to find the support you need-every life is unique, with you gone, there is no more you anymore, and I bet you're awesome; sometimes it is so hard to see the things about ourselves that we really love.
I don't know enough about bpd yet to tell you what all is connected with it, but I think you will enjoy some of these forums, like "you know you're borderline when" lol, a lot of the forums could probabley really give you some insight, some laughs, and if nothing else, know you're not alone.
As for your question with hurting others-if you are having those thoughts, I think it's natural actually. I donno, but I think you're angry; I'm thinking they have hurt you in some form or another, and are either continuing to do so or have not validated anything that they did..like tried to aplogize and things of that nature. From my experience, if you still have a T, or even a close support family member or friend, I think it's a good idea to talk about some of that, see where those in your thoughts have hurt you.
(((butterfly_wings))),
I hope people and events ease offa ya enough for you to start feeling better. In the moment, I know everything is straight out suckage, but we never know what the future holds...I guess the idea being that things can only get better from here. I think joining PC was a good step in that direction by itself, ya know? You're reaching out, so you still care about yourself-good deal there. Things may be crazy now, but I encourage you to do the things you love, find escapes that are healthy.
Take care,
-obj
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