Helley,

First of all, you are NOT alone

With all our combined support and your super resilient character, you WILL find your way through this dangerous terrain........but.......it will take time.

I shall take a leap here. This has little to do with bipolar disorder(you have that fairly managed biochemically it seems), and more to do with GRIEF. Grief is a wholly natural response to everything you have endured. I am not saying that prolonged grief will not upset the applecart to do with the symptoms of bipolar. It will. Prolonged and unresolved grief will affect the chemistry in your brain which will make it much harder for the meds to do their work. But, there are things that you can do to work through the deep and agonising sense of loss.

Are you still seeing a therapist or someone who monitors your meds? If not, that could be your first port of call. Someone to talk to that can help you make sense of the intense emotions and help untangle some of the "why?". You have had massive life-changing situations occur in a VERY short space of times. The fact that you can even speak of it and reach out to talk to us is a true testament to how much of a handle you have on things, even if it feels like it is spinning out of control. As horrible as this all is, you are AWARE and that is the most fundamentally important tool in resolving grief. Not only resolving it, but coming through it stronger, having more peace and forgiveness and so on.

A job is uber important, but the situation with your husband seems to be the most important at the moment. Whatever feelings you have which may sway from ambivalent to betrayed, will need to be resolved first. Then, like a domino effect, it will improve your relationships with others and the right job will come along. We ALWAYS get what we need. It just may not happen when we think it should or come in a package we expect. I do not wish to downplay the frustration or the sadness, for it can be overwhelming at times, but like with most things, healing can be very painful. It will get worse before it gets better.

But in the worse times, we are here, and in the celebratory times, we are here. Keep talking and take care of your very precious self FIRST.

“At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.” Taoist Proverb - Lao Tzu

Here is the biggest hug I can find and a soft pillow to lay your head for a time of rest and self-safety........

You are loved.

Michah