((((((((((((( michelle )))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry to hear about your partners accident and everything that has gone on since. I'm so glad to know she wasn't seriously injured.

I can so relate to what you are going through and how you are feeling. My dearest friend is DID and it can be very difficult at times when one doesn't know the best way to deal with issues that arise. It can also be extremely rewarding to know that we can be the rock that they need at times as well. From my experience, it's very difficult for someone with DID to learn to trust another being. (not that others find it hard to trust as well but I'm just talking about DID) As friends and/or partners of an individual with DID, we have a unique situation with our relationships.

One of the things I learned in being a close friend of a DID'er is that they came into the relationship with the disorder and it has always been theirs to deal with. No matter how loving, compassionate, understanding and as tough as we can be when it comes to listening to our loved ones, we cannot do the work that it takes to heal. We can definitely talk with them, let them vent, toss ideas around, but at the end of the day, we have no real say in how they live their lives and how they go about healing.

Yes we get angry at the abuse that was dealt to them. Yes, we cry to know how utterly defenseless they were to save themselves as children and it sure does hurt us when our loved one is so injured by it all. We NEED a way to express our emotions so that it doesn't sit inside and fester until we cannot function anymore. Again, at the end of the day, we are not the ones who live with the dysfunction that lives within our loved ones. Many times, no matter what we know, we can close our eyes and sleep at night without the horrible nightmares. We can sleep at night, knowing we can trust others and not have to look over our shoulders every second of the day/night. What I'm trying to say hon is that you cannot possibly take on what your partner is dealing with. It is not yours to hold. Your job, in your relationship is to be loving and compassionate and to listen and validate as best you can. You cannot change what happened to her and neither can she. What you can do is give her what she needs and deserves right here and right now....your love.

I can tell you that there are good T's out there that are not DID specialists. Sometimes there are DID specialists that are not good at what they do. They can re-traumatize the individual if they are not careful. If your partner is feeling like she is getting what she needs from her T, then I think she should stay with her T. If she thinks she needs more from a T as in working on specifics, she should talk with her current T about that and find out why they aren't working on it. Her T may have a very good reason as to why they haven't progressed to a certain point yet. Sometimes, talk therapy instead of working on specific issues is exactly what is needed. An individual with DID has so many facets of their personality and life that needs work, it can't always be good for them to work on deep issues all the time. And many times, lighter talk therapy can bring a world of understanding to someone just as well as deeper therapy work. Sometimes, they just need a break from all the big bad painful memories before moving ahead.

I can tell that you care very deeply for your partner and you only want what is best for her. But truly, you NEED to do your own self care hon or you will not be any good to her in the long run. Getting together for outings with other people is so important as well. Maybe you can decide on a movie and coffee night and make some plans with friends to join you. (even if they can't, getting out just the two of you is good too!) You both need some down time from all the yucky stuff. Maybe you can join a bowling league, take part in a town play (acting or behind the scenes), volunteer at the city soup kitchen one or two days a month, join the library for seminars, all of these things help you to connect with others outside of your home and to have something to look forward to doing.

I hope what I've said has made some sense to you. If not, I'm sorry for not explaining myself better.

Take good care of YOU!!


sabby