I'm sorry you're feeling so much uncertainly about what to do.

It's no fun to feel like you are fighting a battle inside you own mind, with you arguing both for and against something at the same time.

As I re-read what you've said here, I can't help but noticing that you've already told yourself, many times in fact, what you really want to do. It just seems that you aren't ready to trust in your choices or believe in yourself yet.

I wish you certainty and happiness!
Dan