You are right Lavie... those fears don't just go away. We learn them over time as a survival mechanism. It takes time to dig up something so deeply rooted and entangled into all parts of our life.

Please feel free to post about it here Lavie. It gives us another opportunity to support each other. I think as we share our current challenges amid our renewed efforts to practice meditation we see in practical terms how it may be helping. My hope is that meditation will centre us, help us to observe our fears differently or at least from a different place, when confronted by them.

I like the wholistic aspect of meditation. It puts me in touch with how all of me is responding at any given moment of time. Physically, emotionally, mentally. Meditation is a spiritual tool for putting things back in balance. It invites my spirit, my fearless self, to emerge. The journey continues.

I attended a family gathering yesterday. A funeral for my dad's brother. On top of the anticipated anxiety of being in a crowd etc were all these emotions about my mother. Several times I needed to fight the tears and the pressure to meltdown under its weight. It will be 30 years this April. People say it gets easier with time.... not true. On some levels it just gets harder with time because as each day, year, decade passes you miss them more. At least that is how it is for me.

I relied on moments of meditation to help return me to centre throughout the day to manage the anxiety and keep me in place. I did make an early exit but it was progress for me to actually attend. It was a challenge afterwards on the trip home to not obsess on replaying the day just to pick apart my performance or allow something that hurt my feelings to keep ringing in my head. Nevertheless I did indulge in a pity party comparing myself to my siblings and cousins. Feeling shame, embarassment and deep sadness for the situation I find myself in.

I never thought I would ever experience these feelings. I was tracking to be in their place and beyond.... once. Had things not gone so very wrong I would, like them be anticipating a comfortable and financially secure retirement. But I am not and that makes me sad and ashamed. It causes my confidence and self esteem to hit the pavement. I feel a burden with no redeeming value especially now that my talents and intellect can't save me anymore.

It took a rather lengthy self affirming meditation last night to pull me out of the sadnesses of the past, beyond the worries of today and the future, apart from my disappointments, shame and overall sense of hopelessness. I grasped like a lifeline the calm that came with every affirmed breath to renew again my acceptance of what is, letting go of all else in those moments of peaceful solitude. Refreshed and reaffirmed to keep on keepin' on.

It has been a quiet restful day. Spent some time watching and waiting for the baby hummers to take flight. It can be kind of hypnotizing. I find it very relaxing. The warm weather has meant more time outside. Early spring bulbs are beginning to show up and buds are appearing on shrubs and trees. It was a delight to see.