((((((wisewoman)))))) eehhh... that's not good. but then again you know that. I understand what you're going through, how it is a way to be in control of something at least, right? and as you said, they don't catch on anyways, well at least it seems this way. but I sometimes ask myself, do they really not know? I think people know, espec. those close to you. They may not know the extent of this but they must realize that you don't eat 3 meals/day or eat meals w/ them, even occasionally...right? and you're right. why stop. if it's not hurting you now then it seems like it's okay. if it's hurting you in the end, well maybe it'll make up for all the pain in the past & present.... BUT this is where you have to realize that having an ed also means you think in somewhat twisted ways. I do that, knowing it's not okay for everyone else, but justifying it for myself. realizing it's a problem but then wanting to keep it from everyone else at all costs. coming from an objective opinion though, hun, it's going to catch up with you sooner or later. wouldn't you want to live a life where you wouldn't feel the need to be in this much control? as much satisfaction as it brings, on some level, it also takes away a lot.... joy, time w/ family/friends, your health, your time, focus..... I don't know what to tell you besides that you're not alone, I'm sure others will have more to say as they know you, but I just wanted to let you know that when you are ready, there is help and meanwhile, you're still you, and if you need support re: this you know where to go..... I do hope that one day you want to get better, b/c I don't think any amount of caing or begging or help will help until YOU make that decision.