I say 'think' because I've never been diagnosed, but I have all the symptoms..and a rather 'real' second personality.

Her name is Selene, and I've found lately that she's taken up most of my life. I tried keeping a journal the other day, and I found that I was writing it as HER.

I have a couple of friends that I met online (safely), but I met them as Selene, so they aren't really my friends, they know me as HER. They are her friends, and I talk to them about things going on in her life that aren't even real! I am so messed up

But they are perfectly nice, kind people, so I keep talking to them as Selene, but I know I am just fooling myself because I don't have any real friends in MY life. But she does. She has lots of friends, and they all have names and personalities. She's popular, pretty, and happy.
She talks to me sometimes, in the mirror, she's usually mean..but she cares about me. It's hard to explain.

My closet is split halfway between her style and mine, I'm not sure which is which anymore.
I'm just so tired of being someone else. I don't want her in my head, but I can't do anything about it, I feel like I have no control, and I'm seeing myself from the outside, like a movie, all the time.

What can I do? My mom doesn't know anything about this, I'm only fourteen, and I'm homeschooled so I can't talk to a school counselor.
I avoid all social situations, so despite my mother's efforts to get me into groups so I can make friends, it never works out, and I know that's my own fault.

I tried last year, going back to school (after 3 years of homeschooling), but I was on the verge of crying the whole first day, and I couldn't bring myself to go back.
I just don't know what to do anymore, I blame myself, for all that's wrong with me, I just don't know how to fix it.

I want help, but I don't know how to get it. I only leave the house when I go to the grocery store with my mother, other than that I only leave the house every few months.

When I'm not Selene I feel like my life is empty and worthless. All I have then is books and music, and a lot of the time I will lose myself so completely in a story that when it is over I start to cry because it's not MY life.

I think I may have Bipolar Disorder too, I have constant violent mood swings, and I feel depressed a lot. I've had a lot of suicidal thoughts, and I have self-harmed before..not recently, but I've thought about it.
But I don't have any of these thoughts or feelings when I am Selene.
I know I need help, but I don't think my parents could afford, or would even get me, therapy. I say afford because I'm not sure if their insurance covers that.

Anyway, that's all I have to say, thanks for listening No judgement, please