*trigger warning for passing mentions of sa*. so sorry for the long post, especially after being away all this time.

austin-t can only see me next week, and i forgot to make an appt with pdoc so i can't touch base with him right now either. of course, i could call pdoc, but it's more a session-length discussion so it wouldn't be fair... turning to you guys for support and advice instead .

some of you might recall my stupid on/off friends-with-benefits thing i had going last year, with a guy i really liked, but who never liked me as more than a friend. actually, it was kind of going to continue this year but yesterday he showed up with a girlfriend (which kind of made me pretty upset - we'd planned to hang out last week, and then he didn't show up, and it turns out he hooked up with this girl). um anyway. i'm kind of ok with the whole situation (not really, but i get that he doesn't like me) but in a fit of idiocy i sent him a txt later that night asking if we could hang out this week some time just to talk, because i've been pretty down and i really do need a friend.

i'm back at my parents' place for a while. my family are overseas for 2 weeks and someone needs to look after the dogs, because one of them hurt her eye & if i dont give her medicine all the time she might go blind etc. i didnt think it was going to be a problem, but i really hate being back here. this place fills me with shame - there aren't many good memories in any of the rooms, and the bad stuff conjurs up quite easily.

i want to tell someone, because im dying a little bit here. out of all of my friends, A would probably be the least surprised, because i did freak out on him a few times last year and i'm hoping he put two and two together. and another part of me wants to tell him because im scared i'm losing him (even as a friend) - that now he's out of uni he won't bother to keep in touch, i'm just going to be that girl who was available. i feel cheap, because he only met this new girl 2 weeks ago & she's leaving in a month, and he's been so affectionate with her whereas with us it was all a secret. i dont know what i did wrong - obviously we are friends, so it's not like he didn't like me - but all of this is playing into the loop that's been triggered by living back at home. it's the 15th of Feb today, this time last year was when dad last came into my room. another secret.

i want to tell A because a part of me is hopeful that if i explain things he might understand what was going on last year and maybe 'forgive' me from his point of view. i dont want to get with him again (haha, maybe partly) but im more concerned about losing him as a friend altogether. i kind of assume he partly knows why i freak out, but at the same time he's made some comments which make me think he's made other assumptions about my values, so i kind of want to clear that up a bit. this is the part of deli who really wants A to care about her and give her a hug. but i also tell myself that he was so angry with me last year that who am i kidding, he probably wont care even now.

which leads me to: if we're not going to be friends anymore then maybe i can disclose, because i certainly dont have anything to lose. pdoc and austin-t keep painting this rosey picture of when x happens, y will follow but a part of me really doesn't trust them at all. i actually do trust A - he's always been genuine with me when i've asked him things directly - so maybe i could ask him all the questions i want to ask someone, and don't trust pdoc/austin-t to answer truthfully. and it's possible pdoc/austin-t aren't lying; it's just that i think how-things-are-done change from generation to generation, and someone in their mid-40s doesn't really get the climate of mid-20s anymore.

anyway, i'm pretty sure all my wet blanketness will drive A away anyhow, but i'm just confused about whether this is a good idea at all. i was thinking about disclosing anyway for the past few months (but not really in any detail), and i definitely wanted to disclose last week when we were meant to catch up, but his now having a girlfriend kind of makes me uneasy. and i do worry that it's a large load to dump on someone who i'm not even sure where i stand with. pdoc and austin-t are the only 2 people in the world who know, and here i am telling someone who is sometimes almost a stranger. it's almost like inappropriate disclosure, other than we have been emotionally intimate before - but kind of never in a supportive way. i have no clue. could do with some feedback, i guess. i've been feeling pretty bloody low these past few weeks, and i keep digging myself further into a hole and its all over relationship (friends, acquaintences, romantic interests everything) stuff and i cant keep doing this to myself, but i dont know how im meant to fix it either .