When can I stop looking for a better tomorrow and find happiness in today? I want so much to simply be happy. I'm tired of arguments, tired of having my hopes and dreams tossed back at me scornfully whenever I choose to let loose with them with the one person I should be able to. Tired of forgoing my own happiness to be for there and support someone who doesn't even care enough about himself to examine his own issues. Tired of being with someone who just accepts that he has been made an "a#@hole" (his words not mine) by his childhood experiences and chooses to wallow in anger and blame. Tired of only being able to bare my soul to someone that it's wrong for me to even associate with at this point. Tired...just so tired. Tired of feeling like I'm just not a good enough person deep down to deserve to be happy. Tired of knowing that my son is being hurt by all of this, that there is just no way for me to handle this that will not hurt him. If I stay (and deep down I don't want to anymore) then the arguments, the pettiness, the anger, the blame, it all continues and I know I'm going to look at my son when he's sixteen and realize that the girl he just brought home is probably going to be called a C%&t by my son if she angers him because my husband has demonstrated that that was acceptable behavior his whole life...if I leave then at least I have the chance of provide him a loving environment to counterbalance that but his fathers influence will still be there and it is already painful and confusing for him that we are separating. Just very sad tonite...feel so close to happiness and yet so very far away. Miss you like crazy M.D. So hard not being able to talk to you...God, I just need to close this chapter of my life and move forward. So many things I think of that I would like to do in my life that I know he would never do or allow me to do that I know we would enjoy together...feel guilty and selfish as hell for feeling this way but I can't help it, can't pretend like we never made this connection and wouldn't want to if I could...ah well......no one has to reply to this just needed to get all that out.