Thank you all for your wonderful input.

The REAL fearful thing that happened to me is recalling - after recalling many traumatic events - a very complex trauma of being kidnapped night after night as a 14 year old- for months...and then as a 15 year old forced to go there again with the same person is realizing that i actually have done MANY things that have no - that are THE OPPOSITE of me...the things that i would NEVER EVER do.

after years it was me becoming an abuser.
Those flash backs include horrible things... ruining outside AT NIGHT - all of this as a night life ... and doing crap like...
well...
....
....
grrr
now you will not believe me....

prostitution, theft, swimming in the sea when its cold. when the wave are high. (and loving it) also - of singing in clubs....? stripping....of committing worse crimes. That had to do with really horrific visions and a lot of violence and cruelty. protecting myself under almost impossible circumstances to survive... running outside at night naked..hiding in garbage cans, eating roaches. ...many things...

most of my life until 17 September 2010 i did not know this ever took place! Today it seems like ...well - that i start understanding ...maybe THEY take control...at home sometimes too!