<font color="purple">I've been putting off posting about myself much. Mostly outta fear, fear that something I post may be a trigger for someone else... Undecisive as to which forum to post in... Everything is so jumbled it is hard to sort... I am screaming inside. A river of sadness flows deep within my soul. It hurts, I want to hurt. I want it to all go away, but afraid for it all to go away. The noises in my head are so loud. My poor kids... One person talking sounds like a rock concert inside my head! I can't process anything. A touch feels like chains binding me. I shutter when one of my kids hugs me or when anyone touches me...I hate that feeling. They dont understand. My husband tries, God bless him. So many labels, disorders, infractions of personality. Who am I in this all? where am I in this all? A freak of nature, a science experiment, that is how I feel. My head hurts. it has been a long time but urge to feel pain is getting harder and harder to resist. The cat scratched me today and man that felt good. Cant think of that anymore. I wantit all to go away. I want to run. but to where? cant hide from myself. Oh the voices pierce right thru me, the voices of my family even. Give me my space, dont crowd me, dont touch me, silence is needed. My reg doc, she tries, she is good. I know I need a therapist, I need counseling, I needmy meds again. It is all so damn expensive. What are we to do? What about my job, I alreday had to take 6 weeeks off because of a meltown, cant afford another one so close. I cantrisk it, I walked out twice before and yet hey gave me yet another chance. They are understanding to my mental health but comeon how long can I expect them to be understanding. Heck I am impatinet with myself with it ytoo. SOmetimes cant stand myself. Course than there is that number one fear of mine, being locked up. They all promise that isnt how it is anymroe but I am sorry I just dont belive that to be true inside me. I know but I dont know. The holidays??! I hate them, always did, even as a change. parents thougt I was strange.. What I wanted was simple in theory, just to be happy and be part of a happy stable family. But no that was not ever a present I would receive... Living in hell is what my destiny here on earth is I swear, that is what it feels like. I would never take my own life because of the fear of going to hell after life. I have forgiven those that hurt me, my parents, my cousin and those freidns of his, my grandfather, and the others. Forgiving doesnt take away the fear, the abuse, physical, sexual, emotional, the noises, the pain, the crying, the despair, the insanity, the anxiety, the cycling moods, etc. it just goes on and on............................ UGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok, maybe Today is just a bad day and it shall pass... Its hard to live within myself I cant imagine what it is like for my family to be around me, or live me being so unprediactable.... God bless them. I need to the sound of the ocean. It calms me, relaxes me, deafens the noises, puts me at serenity..... Oh my I just keep rambling and rambling, this is how I think, all mixed at a race drivers pace..... Sorry
Melinda
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