yes!!!!! ((((heriam))) you're not alone in feeling that way.... I think the environment, the people around you, and the circumstances can have a huge impact on things like si or an ed or depression.... especially if it brings back bad memories... and sometimes you just feel like it was normal within a certain environment, so it almost feels weird not to cut. the only thing I can say is that maybe knowing that you CAN go without si if you're in the "right" environment might help you get through this.... it'll only be for a while that you're back anyways, right? for the holidays? holidays sure can be hell to deal w/.... in so many ways. do you have any support at home? family or old friends? maybe staying busy will help some, so getting into the "christmas spirit" (whatever that means) and prepping for christmas, just to be distracted..... sorry that it's so hard