Above anything else in the world I HATE needing help from people. Way too many opportunities for derailment and any derailment causes me to immediately meltdown. I hyperventilate, cry uncontrolably and become more and more enraged with myself and the rest of the world.

This morning I shuffled through and checked and double checked that I had all the forms and all the supporting documentation ready for my application for disability assistance. All I needed to complete the package was to pick up the doctor's report and meet with the mental health counsellor to get his part completed. The doctor's office phoned on Friday to let me know the forms were ready for me to pick up.

I had an appointment Friday with mental health expecting I would have the doctor's report etc so Frank could do his part. Unfortunately the papers weren't ready in time so I cancelled the appointment on Friday and told them I would call as soon as I had the paperwork.

I call for an appointment and the soonest is next week. The news devistates me. I have no control in the moment to not give in to the flood of overwhelming emotions. All I want in the moment is to be free of entanglement. She asks if I still want the time and consumed by emotions and a simmering rage I say no.... it will be too late. I need one of the forms to get meds and tommorrow I will be out of meds. The sooner I get my application completed the sooner I get assistance. I was told this morning during a preliminary phone interview that everything needed to be submitted within 5 days of the interview or my file would be closed. All my effort to date was for not. I was being let down yet again and I have only myself to blame. I feel trapped in a world of one catch 22 after another. In my mind I was already jumping ship before she even asked if I still wanted the appointment time. The only thing that can console me in those minutes is exerting my power by saying NO MORE!! I want off this train to nowhere. I want out of this web of distruction.

I push myself out of the fire and try to calm my breathing and separate from the emotionally charged thinking with meditation. I have a shower, nibble on some lunch and do some chores to try to keep my mind focused on the moment so I can recover from the meltdown and settle my rage.

I start to calm down some when I get a call from the drs. office. The doctor can not release the form until I completed a section of my own. I tell her the process has changed. The applicate's section is all done on line now. I tell her I had been told to just take the forms required for the doctor to fill in and sign and submit them with my other documentation. She said she knew nothing about the change and could not release the forms until I completed my section. ARRGGG!!! Another derailment and another even more intense meltdown. I destroy all the papers and forms I had completed and scream "I CAN'T DO THIS. I WON'T DO THIS. I AM DONE WITH THIS."

Then of course reality hits and I know I am desperate and have nowhere else to turn. I can't quit. I have to somehow find the strength to overcome the derailments. I know they are minor in reality but not in my reality. They are dealbreaker triggers in my reality.

I think, call my brother and ask for his help navigating through all of this. I don't call because I am too ashamed of how I react to minor obsticles. I don't want to drag him out here 2 hours from his home to help me do something that anyone else would sail through without much more then a hiccup. I just know he would laugh at me. I would laugh at me for being so pathetic and silly.

I continue to try to regroup and see if I can't navigate a path through the maze. I am limited in how well I can do this because even considering my options puts a new flame under my rage.

Thinking outside of my emotions I determine that if I can continue I should still go up to the drs. office and humour the nurse by completing the 6 page section she thinks I need to complete so she will release the drs report to me. I set aside concerns that when I submit the application some misinformation will surface and I will be derailed again. Can't go there. It just feed the quiter when what I need is to empower the survivor.

I consider maybe I download some new forms and drop them off at mental health and maybe just maybe Frank can find the 10 or 15 minutes before Friday to fill out the assessor form for my application or at least sign off on another so I can get my meds. I wonder why the receptionist didn't offer this idea, especially when I told her what the delay meant to my application and med plan. Perhaps it won't be an option and I will face another disappointment when my efforts are for not. Again. Can't go there.....

So I sit here considering if I am up to another try. I am totally drained and would rather turn my back on the whole thing but at the same time I feel trapped. If only I could support myself and get my life back. If only I didn't need to rely on anyone or any process to support me. If only I could take care of myself.

I am wasted.... sorry for going on and on. The day is torture.... once again I exaggerate reality. Its just a blip so why does it feel like a mountain just feel on me? I know why but knowing doesn't make it easier to work through. Woo is me. I am so tired. Too tired to even proof my post so my apologies for any mistakes.