thank you all so much for your wonderful, thoughtful replies . (i'm sorry i havent replied to everyone individually - i think i rambled enough in my reply to velcro & covered mostly everything. i DO really appreciate all of your thoughts and advice, though. if anyone has anything to add, i'd really appreciate it too - i guess i need people to bounce this around with).

i've missed you too, ((((velcro)))). we need to catch up properly . thanks for the affirmation of progress - i really needed to hear that, because i haven't been feeling like i've been moving forward with this at all recently. but you're right: i would NEVER had dreamt of telling anyone a year ago, would have been soooo afraid of the consequences, but right now it kind of feels like something i could do, and cope with ok.

i AM worried that i'm doing this partly out of wanting to seal an emotional bond. that disturbs me, a lot - i don't want him to be my friend out of pity; i'm concerned that this is what it might come across as (and maybe also is). a "don't leave me; i need protection" type thing. gross.

it's difficult for me to separate out, because i've been falling into victim mentality recently. it's hard for me to cope with, because i've always done the survivor thing (probably more through sheer denial) but being a "victim" and feeling fragile and needy is abhorrent to me. i'm worried this is coming from that place.

with the losing a friend thing - i've been worried about this, even before the girlfriend came along. to be honest, i dont think the girlfriend is anything serious - she's a backpacker, i think he's just being opportunistic while she's around. the concern for me is probably more that our relationship has always been a bit one-sided; i've been the one who's had to make the effort to keep in touch. sometimes i've felt like i'm almost a "convenience" friend to him - if it happens to be easy for him to catch up with me, he will, but just as often if something better comes up he'll flake. the only times he's really put any effort into seeing me have been when he's wanted something specific (help with uni work, staying over etc). i was ok with this last year because he was at uni and super stressed with his workload, but i expect my friendships to be reciprocal and i'm not ok with continuing to be his convenience plan. so a part of this is also recognising that he's moving on because it'll be even less convenient for us to catch up this year, and me being a bit opportunistic in "well, if i'm losing him anyway then i have nothing to lose by telling him; and it might give me some closure".

[quote[#3: If you want to tell him just because you have felt like you've reached a place of safety and trust with him, and it feels like a natural, next thing to do, that is a little different. Personally, I don't see why you need to explain yourself for what happened with him. That should NOT be a reason to disclose.[/quote]
i wanted to tell him last year/beginning of this year because we still had our blurry on/off thing going, and it did feel like it was time for me to make some sort of explanation. the girlfriend thing is a good signal that out thing is completely off, so that whole "please be patient with me" reason is no longer relevant. i kind of still do want to explain though, just because i do think it drove a bit of a wedge between us last year. i think he did partly guess at my reasons for freaking out, but then he's also said other stuff which makes me think maybe he was just coming up with any reason he could think of. e.g., i'm a major traditionalist (wait until marriage type), which certainly isn't the case. i think he really did get hurt and frustrated with me last year, because he didnt understand what was going on and just thought i was toying with him. but i really do value his friendship, and if all that other stuff is over, maybe this disclosure would help clear the air? it's like, even though i know i don't need to be "forgiven", i think in his mind he probably does need to let go some of that resentment towards me.

yes, and no. i had kind of intended to tell him when we were meant to hang out last time (before i'd moved back home). so while being back home definitely intensifies things, this isn't something that's come out of the blue. but i guess it's more relevant now, because i really DO want support for being at home right now. it's messing me over and i need someone to vent to, or who can just give me a hug. i'm just feeling really yuck and vulnerable being back here. if i'd told him last week (before i was at home), there wouldn't have been the vulnerability element - the disclosure would have been more focussed on making amends in our relationship, but right now there is an element of "i just need help".

i know the needing help thing is something that pdoc and austin-t are there for. but im also kind of reluctant to go there with them - i dont problem solving, pep talks etc. i just want someone who's going to say "that's ****" and just acknowledge that i'm having a hard time. the other thing is that i don't want to be reliant on pdoc/austin-t forever. my goal is to eventually have my needs met by people other than professionals, and if i don't take chances now then i'm not giving myself the opportunity to test the waters with real life people while i've still got pdoc/austin-t as a safety net. A is someone who i trust, but also someone who isn't a big risk because i am probably losing him as a friend right now anyway. i think the more scary option for me would be telling someone who i KNOW is going to stick around. i'm actually more worried about negotiating our relationship in the future if he does continue to be my friend. it's an added complication that i'm not sure i know how to deal with.

not rambling at all, sweetie. i found your response dead-on helpful, especially with the questions you brought up. we're meeting up tomorrow in a park - i never invited anyone back to this house even while i was living here, so i'm not starting now - so at least we'll be somewhere neutral. it's probably better to be doing it somewhere other than my place too, because i was a bit worried last week that he would have come over with other intentions, and then tried to pull a move anyway (which would have made me feel like dirt).

i talked about this with pdoc last year and he seemed to think it was a good idea. of course the situation has changed now and im thinking about a full disclosure, not just a "bad things happened" type (though, of course, i'll start of general and play it by ear). i guess i really want to do this, and i know some of my reasons are good, but it's the slightly-off reasons which make me uncomfortable. if i focus on myself completely, then this is something i want to do because i think it'd help me move forward. i want to ask him stuff that i could only ask him (opposed to our other friends) because of our history. e.g., if he actually had liked me, but i kept freaking out, if it would have been a deal breaker for the relationship to continue. i guess it's the relationship-mending reason that is murky waters as a reason to disclose. but if i let go of my expectation/hopes of how it will affect our friendship, and just focus on me moving forward with my own issues, i think it really is a good idea.

this is a good idea, googley but sadly one i dont think would work because of logistics. my new place doesnt allow pets (strata laws), and i'm too ashamed of this place to bring anyone back here. i'm mostly out of the house during the day anyway, and i can get my grandparents to drop by and check on the dogs if i'm away for long, so it's not too bad. im not being triggered or anything, it's just this overwhelming sense of shame at this place. i keep noticing how run down and decrepit it is, even though it's a beautiful old federation-style house in a very rich area. just inside - no one bothers to look after it properly. my new place isn't halfway as beautiful as this house, but at least i keep my things clean and take pride in what i've got. over here i never bothered, because there was nothing to be proud of.

in order of scaredness: i'm terrified he'll hurt me, but i think this is unlikely and i do especially feel safe with A (nevertheless, it's the mindloop i've been fed, and it's hard to get rid of. i still shake uncontrollably when i tell pdoc stuff, even though i know he'd never hurt me either). next i'm worried he'll be indifferent and even just angry with me, and then i'll end up feeling like a fool. best scenario would be if he cared, and we talked, and afterwards weren't really friends anymore. i could have my closure, give him my blessings and well wishes, and move on. i'm more scared that he might care, that we'll talk, and then we'll continue to be friends. i dont know how to do that.

yes, it's been pushing at me for quite some time but being back home has made it worse. finding out about his girlfriend was the breaking point, though i know it's super irrational. she has nothing to do with me, but i can't help but also wonder what she's got that i dont, and if it merely comes down to sex. i never slept with A but she (i'm assuming) has, and is that the difference between him being interested in someone vs keeping our thing a secret. it really, really, really sucked that he was so openly affectionate with her and seemed really into her, especially when she's leaving in a month. i'm surprised and hurt.

thanks, googles. i love you loads and have missed you terribly too.