Deli, i think the thing that worries me and that popped up a lot in your response is your need for "closure," or to make "amends." what amends do you need to make? I understand and feel for you when you feel bad that you were "freaking out" and didnt tell him what was going on. I still believe that you do not need to explain yourself about that. If the romantic level was equal between you guys, and he saw you pulling away or whatever it was, he would be patient. But things didnt work out it seems, and that is not your fault. Maybe the timing wasnt right, maybe he wasnt as attracted to you as you were to him. Maybe you just arent ready for that level of intimacy. Chances are, its many reasons.

Either way, there is NO need to feel like you need to make amends or have closure, at least not like this. If you do want to talk about all of that with him, you can still have an honest discussion without having to reveal these very vulnerable places of you. You can tell him that you are afraid of losing him as a friend and ask if he perceives it the same way. If it comes up, the stuff about you two being on and off, you can apologize (if you want) and tell him there is a lot of personal stuff that is going on. If he is a true friend, he will and should respect that. I think it will only harm you in the long run if you tell him because you think you will lose him anyway. Self-disclosure shouldnt work like that. If it comes up naturally and you feel like the conversation is going well and feel confident that you are not losing him, and you feel ok with going deeper, but it should ONLY be because you are in a good spot and think he could be supportive. If you two talk and he is on a different page from you, its Ok! You can say your peqce but why dig up painful memories if you two are going your separate ways? What good will that do you?

Ok my thumbs are going to fall off this was a LOT of typing on a phone!