As many of you know, I had my appointment today. The one where I had to face my therapist after sending an email that addressed my "feelings" toward her. Yes, they did cross the line into sexual thoughts!

I had my journal notes ready to go. BUT, it took me forever to be able to start reading them! We did some small talk and I asked her, "Do we really have to do this? Can we just move on and forget that I ever mentioned this?"

Of course, she said, "No". And listed all the reasons why we needed to address it. I finally got up the courage to read it to her. You know what? It wasn't that bad afterall!

I know why I have feelings for her. I know that it is partly because of past relationships and my strong need to have an intimate bond with someone. The other part is just being in therapy. Having that bond with your therapist is confusing!

She said it was normal for me (who has had failed relationships in the past) to desire an intimate bond with someone. She made me feel like it was okay and nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about!

I actually made eye contact! Yes, I looked at her while I talked about it. The words and thoughts I read to her were very personal and not something that anyone would want to confess!! BUT I DID IT!

Once I finished reading, she said that it was very insightful. She replied, "You have a lot of head knowledge. You understand yourself much better than you give yourself credit for. Now we have to take that head knowledge and apply it. You don't like to take care of yourself and your emotional needs. That makes you uncomfortable. We need to explore where that is coming from and change your thought process on that. You deserve to be loved, nurtured, respected, and cared for. Why do you have such a hard time accepting that? Where are those negative thoughts coming from? This is something that we have to work through in order for you to continue to have progress in therapy."

She went on to say, "Yes, we will need to revisit the emotions you are going through now (my feelings for her). We need to make sure we keep that in check. It is okay to feel like you do. We just need to help you find those healthy, intimate relationships with others. This will be scary for you because you don't let anyone in your circle. That is why you are so lonely. God made us to desire intimacy and relationships with others. You cannot expect to shut down that part of you and ignore it. This is why you are in so much pain. You won't allow yourself to be human!"

YAY! I feel like a tremendous burden has been lifted. Thanks for all of your support. PC has been a life saver so many times for me when I needed a friend to talk to. I know sometimes I am UP and sometimes I am really, really down. I guess this is just part of the process.