I don't think I've ever cried as much as I have tonight. Not because of anything that happened but because of what I know will...

My girlfriend of ten months has Borderline Personality Disorder. I am sure of it and I have been since October. We met about two years ago, and although through my first year of knowing her we didn't talk on an overly regular basis, I felt like she was somebody who I was very comfortable with, someone who understood me. There were probably warning signs that she was crazy, but I never caught on. Around this time last year, we began to talk more and grow closer and in April we started dating. A week after we started dating, chaos ensued as she said that she still had feelings for her ex and wasn't sure what she wanted anymore. This tortured me for a week before she finally decided that she wanted me and shortly after told me that she loved me. I should have let things go rather than fight for her, but I felt madly in love. The next three months or so felt amazing for the most part, but were intersperced with several break up threats/crying sessions that often left me feeling guilty and inept at relationships. (especially because this is my first one) In July or so, everything just fell apart. I can't come up with a defining moment, I probably just let it all gradually happen through my foolish feelings of love. All I know is that I stopped feeling comfortable around her which is strange because before we started dating and at the beginning of our relationship, I told her absolutely everything. I kind of closed up because anything that I could possibly talk to her about, I felt it would be in my better interest to talk to a family member or friend about because she simply made comments to me that would upset me or simply make me angry. Nevertheless, I stayed with her. Finally in August I'd just about had enough. This behavior was so pervasive that it was ruining the relationship for me. I began doing research on personality disorders and figured out that there had to be something wrong with her. A few weeks after this, she became angry with me because I was planning to go to a fantasy football draft with friends for an upcoming evening even though I spent almost every day with her anyway. We were hanging out at her house and she just yelled at me and told me to leave after I informed her of these plans. After going for a walk to clear my head, I decided it would be best to break up. I texted her "Let's meet to talk, I'm not sure this is all working out." She cried and took responsibility for all of her poor behavior and for three weeks or so, everything was great again... and then started to slip. I almost broke up with her again but for some reason decided to stay and again the same pattern occured. In October, around the time that things had just begun to fall apart once again, I discovered BPD, read everything about it and decided that I HAD TO break up with her. We walked to meet each other at midnight a few days later and I was set on breaking up with her. After a ton of hugging and crying, I agreed to "give her a few more days and to think everything over." I gave her a week and despite the fact that it was decent, I still wanted to break up. For several consecutive days, I spent the entire day planning to break up with her but never did, hating myself for it every morning. I'm not sure why. This kind of kicked off a period of apathy.

Since then, we've had good times that I've tried to enjoy as much as possible, and bad times that I tried no longer get too emotionaly invested in because I knew she was the crazy one and it wasn't worth it. We had a few more almost breakups that didn't happen but usually our problems were resolved fairly quickly. Despite my failed break up attempts and the certain degree of happiness that I felt a lot of the time, I knew the relationship was eventually destined for failure. Nevertheless, I continuously talked to her as if she was my soulmate and that we would be together forever.

About a month ago, I became apathetic on a whole new level. Everything just started to feel fake. Time with her felt like time wasted even when nothing went wrong. Her outbursts just annoyed me and I couldn't even fake caring about them, usually I would just sit there and say nothing for a half hour while she cried about something that was either not true or no big deal until finally we would quickly make up. As my feelings decreased, I felt more and more of a desire and urge to break up. Finally at the beginning of an outburst while we were sitting in her bed this past Friday, she said "Why don't we just break up." Though I knew she didn't mean it, I just said "fine" and moved to get up. She cried "Noooooooo" in the most depressing voice and pulled me into a hug before crying for about a half an hour and promising me that everything would be better. Despite that I knew it wouldn't, I again hung on. The next day was just OK at best and I began to hate myself again for not just ending it.

Finally, on Saturday night, something just clicked and she was completely happy and loving again in a way that I hadn't seen her in months. We had a great night and yesterday I actually missed her for most of the day. Tonight we went out for Valentines day for about three hours and everything was just completely wonderful.... Like it was shortly after the beginning of our relationship and like it was after each "almost breakup"

Anyway, after such a great night, I feel utterly terrible. I feel like a character in a depressing movie where the main character finds out that his significant other is going to die soon, I feel like I have a couple of weeks to spend with the girl who I actually fell in love with before everything ends for good and the mere thought of this has just brought me to tears all night. I feel like there is so much I love about her, but underneath that there is even more that I just can't deal with. I know that when (not even if) her mood begins to change again there is no way that I will deal with it. I know it would be easy to cite my previous failed breakup attempts and say that I won't actually do what I should have done a long time ago, but I know that this is it. The relationship for me (though I don't think she knew) had pretty much lost almost all of its positives until Saturday night so when things turn bad again I'm through and I'm not even going to look back. Right now I just want to spend the few remaining days that I have with the girl I actually love as best I can.

I'm sorry if my grammar was terrible, I kind of wrote that in an emotional tangent.