I do hate it when my mum treats me like some kind of hopeless case. She says things like, 'Do you want me to come over to your place today and help you?' 'Do you want me to come and wash the dishes or sit with you?'It makes me feel like I'm not capable of looking after myself. I do understand that she wants to be helpful but somehow I can't accept that. I feel like she wants to make me into her patient so that she will have someone to look after. Makes her feel worthwhile I suppose. Beside the fact that she talks non stop. If I'm not well, the last thing I need is her talking non stop asking me questions and expecting me to talk. I haven't got room in my head to talk. I am overwhelmed with thoughts already and I can't concentrate on a conversation. The weirdest thing is that she can sit with me for hours and hours talking and talking. But I don't know what she is going on about and I have to keep asking her what did you say? But she never gets annoyed. If someone I was talking to wasn't listening to a word I said I would either take a hint and stop talking pretty soon or I would get angry and go home. I don't think she cares. It's crazy.
People ask me how I am doing and I say that I'm good but really I'm not. I went to the pdoc the other day and I had had some really bad days but I didn't tell her. I didn't want to say anything because she talked about specific things and we were at the end of the session. I was too scared that she would say we haven't got time now. Which she probably wouldn't anyway. I act like everything is fine sometimes but it's not.
I used to think that I wanted to get married and have children. It was a lifelong dream but now I can't imagine it. I can't even look after myself so how could I possibly look after anyone else? I don't think I want children anymore. It all seems so overwhelming. I haven't got space in my mind to talk to them as I should or to give them what they need. I can't even cook a proper meal for myself. Maybe I'm just too selfish.