thanks, sweetie. i'm always so touched when you reply to me via your mobile - i hate typing on those things
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Originally Posted by velcro003
Deli, i think the thing that worries me and that popped up a lot in your response is your need for "closure," or to make "amends." what amends do you need to make? I understand and feel for you when you feel bad that you were "freaking out" and didnt tell him what was going on. I still believe that you do not need to explain yourself about that. If the romantic level was equal between you guys, and he saw you pulling away or whatever it was, he would be patient. But things didnt work out it seems, and that is not your fault. Maybe the timing wasnt right, maybe he wasnt as attracted to you as you were to him. Maybe you just arent ready for that level of intimacy. Chances are, its many reasons.
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i know i don't
have to explain myself, but the thing is i
want to (i think). it's not with the purpose of somehow winning him back (he was never really mine to begin with), but more because i DO feel bad that i put him in that situation. i know he got hurt, felt rejected, got angry, whatever. if i didnt care about him then i wouldn't bother explaining myself (and i certainly havent explained myself to people in the past), but i do actually care about this guy (unfortunately
) so i want him to know it's not about him. the making amends thing is less important though now he has a girlfriend. if he's moved on then he obviously doesnt care anymore.
the need for closure is something i want to do for me. i havent been this intimate with a guy before and i want to ask him stuff, because we've always had this very weirdly open relationship that way (he's disclosed a lot about himself that i dont think he's told many other people; it's like we shared this weird sexual & emotional intimacy and honesty that was kept completely separate from our "public" lives). so i would feel comfortable asking him stuff that's been bothering me about all my past, because i know he would give me an honest and considered answer. stuff i want to ask because the next time im interested in a guy i won't feel so uncertain. just simple things like, should i have mentioned something earlier (rather than pretending nothing had just gone wrong) or is it better not to talk about stuff like that. i know there's meant to be that whole "if he really likes you, then he'll be patient" line, but my ex dumped me over sex stuff and i find dating moves so fast these days that i almost give off a completely disinterested vibe by my lack of physical affection towards anyone.
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If it comes up naturally and you feel like the conversation is going well and feel confident that you are not losing him, and you feel ok with going deeper, but it should ONLY be because you are in a good spot and think he could be supportive. If you two talk and he is on a different page from you, its Ok! You can say your peqce but why dig up painful memories if you two are going your separate ways? What good will that do you? !
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is it sad that i really dont want him to be my friend after this? that i'm only prepared to disclose because i think our friendship is over anyway? i trust him to be supportive at the time should i disclose (and i also know he keeps boundaries well - he won't discuss things if he feels in above his head) - but i dont really want long term support about this. i just want "oh, that sucks" and to not really mention it again. the painful memories are milling around my head right now anyway, and i think there is more good to come of this than bad stuff. it might not be "perfect" (and it probably wont be even "good"), but it'll be something better than keeping silent, which is what i've always done. and if it IS worse, then at least i'll know for future reference
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anyway, all of this seems to be a bit hypothetical right now. we were meant to meet tomorrow, but didnt decide on a time/place, and he hasn't contacted me to find out, so i'm not sure we're even catching up. i dont want to txt him, because if he's forgotten about me/avoiding making arrangements then i dont want to make him feel obliged to attend a pity party (which is kind of what i let him know was going to happen tomorrow anyway).