Sorry, it's me again. And i don't know how to say this but i cut myself again tonight and this time i was bleeding. I'm not saying this in a dramatic way at all - so please don't think i'm a drama queen. I feel like a fool enough already. I promised myself i would never hurt myself again, i really thought i wouldn't but i couldn't help myself. I feel so stupid now. And i didn't even help the one person i wanted to. It all started with some argument over a scarf. But the thing is the argument didn't annoy me, i wasn't angry with anyone by the end but my mood took grip of me and i spent the rest of the time feeling so low. Everyone thought i was being an idiot which i was but i couldn't get myself out of it. But the worst thing though is that i came home and my little sister came in to show off her new hairstyle and i was too busy whallowing in self-pity to notice!! I hurt her, and i felt as if i could do nothing to rectify the problem. I was so preoccupied that i couldn't just simply go to her room and be nice to her and compliment her. I had no energy and was too busy being self-absorbed as per usual. I felt like such a loser, that my whole life is filled with regret, confusion, pain, self-doubt. "my sister is upset because of me, all me! This is so crap and every other bad word under the sun!". I cut myself because i couldn't get the words to explain myself, there was no other way of communicating how i felt. I'm such an idiot - n please don't try to deny this because you really don't know me - one minute i was writing in my diary the next i had gone all the way downstairs to get the sissors to cut myself. I was just so angry, not at anyone else but myself! I didn't think you could be angry with yourself! I don't understand any of this, now i feel ok again. How can you plunge so deep and then be fine the next second? I hope i'm not one of these people that need attention 24/7 because i hate people like that but i'm starting to think i am. I mean what kind of a person hurts themselves - a wierdo! What's worse is that i've just talked to my sister and she's fine, normal, i don't think i hurt her that bad yet i felt sooo guilty!
Furthermore, since i'm here, i know you always tell me that the depression is lying to me but is it really?? I mean how can the words i think and write that are so full of hatred and come so easily come from depression - i mean my mind has no time to alter anything before i write it down but it's not as if the depression is a person telling me exactly what to think! I don't understand, i know it's alittle wrong to hate yourself so much but the depression can't influence what i think about myself can it. How does it do that? How can chemical imbalances if that's what it is, form words in your head - it must be me surely??
Sorry for ranting and questioning again - i bet you all wish i'd never found this forum now!! And sorry for apologising because i know this isn't what you actually think - oh i dont know! Sorry if any of this sounds daft. Abby