hi everybuddy,

i just woke up, so my brain's a little fuzzy, but i wanted to post anyway.

i can, i'm looking for this word, sympathize? with everyone. it's like, i know exactly what you mean. for example, i'm on a med now that i've taken since may, but before then, i've been on probably every single antidepressant, several antipsychotics, and a few antianxiety meds. i think the only antidepressant i haven't been on is prozac. why, i don't know. i'm telling you this cause i want you to know that i know how frustrating it is. i've been on and off meds, mostly off, since 1986. it is a very long road on this journey toward better mental health.

and i know about stockpiling. i've been doing it for years, and for some reason, i can't bring myself to throw anything out. that's a lot of pills. i used to keep them thinking i'd need them someday, you know, when i no longer wanted to be around. but now that i'm feeling better suicidal ideation is just a memory. not since i've been on this last med.

before i started taking getting better seriously, i was very close to death. i thought about it constantly. i thought, i have nothing to lose since i don't have anything anyways. no family, really. no friends. i had a new job that, at the time, i thought i didn't like. new co-workers that i didn't think liked me. but once i started feeling better, and could interact more with others, and i started to enjoy my job, and i picked up some new hobbies (photography and feeding the ducks , i no longer thought of death. i was more interested in other people and their well-being than thinking about myself and how depressed i was, because i guess, i was no longer depressed. and that in itself was scary because it was all ever knew for a very long time (my whole life).

one time, i took zoloft and that seemed to work, until i got manic. so taking meds for me is a crap shoot. now that i'm on effexor xr, once in awhile i think about the possiblity that they will stop working. but then i think, what if they actually aren't working and it's been a placebo effect, and the reason i'm really feeling better is that my perspective on life has changed? (i think that because i don't want to believe totally that medicine can make much difference, but i don't want to find out by not taking it.)

well, i've spewed enough. thanks for listening, and take care everybuddy.

splash