guess I didn't stop to think about what I said in the original post, very sorry if it disturbed any of you. just meant it as a figure of speech, but the feelings I've had lately have been pretty bad.

No, I wasn't reading the forums regularly but I did pop in once or twice. I was offline most of the time, travelling. Weird thing is, I wasn't working regularly, I lived in my van (still do mostly), never had money, never knew where or when I would eat next, tossed way my appointment books, dropped out of school and became very "prayerful" and had the best time of my life. Scary, but still, happier than ever. Kind of want to do it again. Maybe it's staying stationary that depresses me, I don't know...