So, a few months later and I am back to barely being able to get out of bed and feeling as low as ever.

Two weeks ago, I went to the bar/casino every day of the week pretty much. I know it's a horrible combination, but I felt alone. My friends are all pretty much away at school or busy with their girlfriends. I played poker at the casino just for some human interaction and to get my mind off my misery.

Work has cut my hours from 35-40/week to one shift a week due to the store being slow. I have pretty much no motivation to get out of bed. I finished my degree, so I am no longer in college, which has made me even more depressed. I feel like I am wasting away my life. I have slept in until 3-4pm everyday and have done nothing, but play computer games and watch television.

The girl I mentioned in the original post and I got back together for a while somewhat. I decided to finally open up with her (first girl I have ever done this for) and everything was swell for a while. She was going through issues of her own during the holidays. Last year, her father died around the holidays, I was there for her. She cried in my arms multiple times, etc. I felt very vulnerable around this girl after opening up to her. I started to push her away again and then eventually did everything possible for her to cut me loose. It pretty much ended after one night we were out, went back to her house, slept together, and immediately after I just walked out and left, she begged me to stay, I didn't even kiss her goodbye, just left. Very cold. I realized this is my defensive mechanism. When I feel vulnerable - I push people away. I am trying to get over this girl, but just stupid stuff continues to remind me of her and it kills me inside.

I still haven't yet been able to grieve about my mother and her suicide attempt. Every time I am feeling alone I think about it though and it just haunts me. She has started to become concerned about my sleeping/eating habits. I have barely ate this week.

In my post a few months ago I mentioned I had tried therapists before and they don't work. However, I saw a therapist when I was younger and he did help me when I was very young. I am considering going to see him even though it's like a 45-50 minute drive from where I live now. I am going to do my best to stop gambling/drinking for a while. I doubt I can stop drinking, though.