Thanks, everyone....

I feel a little more distant from it this morning, thankfully. I woke up summarizing the situation as - I feel as though I have nothing left to give, and don't have the understanding of what I need, nor do I have the strength to ask for it. So there it is. That's where I am.

Maybe this will change. Maybe not. But for right now, it just is.

As much as I want to cancel seeing T tomorrow, I am going to try not to do that. It feels like it would be too much of a punishment to him and that it would affect our relationship, which has already been too rocky lately. But I don't feel like talking about any of this because it feels too raw and yucky and scary. Hopefully that will change by tomorrow.

As far as my T sitting in front of the door, I have no idea why he did that. I can only assume that either he forgot or it was to give me the opportunity to ask for what I needed. But I don't know for sure.

Just feeling a sense of sad defeat today.