Quote:
Originally Posted by purple_fins
Yes  It's so very hard to learn the things we were supposed to learn as a child when we're adults now-- I so understand that! but-- it's not impossible! It can be done and some have done it.
Please try(I know it's easier said than done-- heck I'm working on it myself) to NOT fear those old feelings-- they are from the past... they are old and don't match up with the present.... even though we try like heck to make them match up. 
Would it help to think of it this way?--- "I will be the kind of parent for my scared/hurt little one that my parents weren't. I can be better than they ever were and show her safety and comfort, she does so deserve that"
(if you're like me this can be a bit difficult when out in the world and something triggers and we totally loose focus and have to go with things just to get through it-- but in sessions, seems to me T. could help with this-- bringing the focus on the comforting adult.??)
Since this stuff seems to mostly happen in session for you-- do you think you put your T. in the position of your parents? since they first caused most of the triggers and now T. is, in a way, continuing them..... you wanted and rightly so- expected your parents to fix your upset/walk you through it to the sunny side-- but they didn't... and now you play the same role with T.-- wanting HER to walk you through it to the sunny side. but that will just keep you stuck-- you see-- one, as an adult, has to do this on their own now. I know it SUCKS!  it's not fair coz we NEVER got that and that's all we're asking-- sadly that time is long over now. 
How about- go give that little girl a giant lollypop, or buy her her favorite movie, walk through the toy dept and let her see and pick out the most special thing(play dough, legos, stuffed animal, silly putty) that will give her that warm feeling inside- (the warm feeling inside is important-IMO)....
YOU are her safety zone now you have the power to comfort her, make her feel special, cared about and loved-- you know her better than anyone else.
-- like Dorothy in Oz-- you've had the power all along, you just didn't know it. 
hope I've not rambled on too much  and that some of this made some kind of sense for you.
best to you,
fins |
Hi Purplefins,
Yeah, I'm trying not to fear the old feelings when they come up. It's so weird because they seem to hold such POWER! And it frightens me!
I have a problem with intense emotions anyway so it's easy to feel overwhelmed by them. What i need to remember is that when i have felt the emotions, as bad and scary as it felt at the time, i got through it and didn't die.
I was thinking about what you said earlier about being overly dependent and wanting my t to rescue me. It is something that i feel internally. Yet i rarely act on it. What i mean is that as much as i get into emotional states where i want t to rescue and comfort me, i don't ask her to when we're face to face. I've actually never asked her face to face to hug me or physically comfort me when i'm in pain. I've talked alot about the desire for that in emails. But when it comes down to it, i try to struggle with it alone and don't ask for help. In 10 years, i've only asked to hug her twice, and have never asked her to hug me. She has held my hand once and patted my back once. So would you say that i am still overly dependent and want her to rescue me -- if i have those desires but continue to try to struggle with helping myself instead of asking her for help? Just curious about that.
I know that somehow i need to start feeling like a parent to my own child parts. I'm not sure how to do that. I can say the words i need to say to them, such as comforting words. But i don't feel anything in my heart toward them. How do i change that? It feels inauthentic to me. Sometimes, my t asks me how i feel about that hurt child part of me that holds so much pain. I want to say that i feel bad for her and want to comfort her, but i don't feel much of anything. Why not??? How do i start feeling love and caring for her????
Yes, i think you are correct in thinking that i am putting my t in place of my parents mentally/emotionally. I guess i do honestly want her to help soothe me. Is that wrong to want that? I know she can't do it all the time or really be available for me like a mom would be. But is it wrong to want her to care deeply for me?
I think sometimes i project feelings onto her that end up not belonging to her, such as when she does something that feels like she is rejecting me. I get it stuck in my head that that is what she is doing, but when we talk it over, i realize that she was not rejecting me after all. But i don't realize it at the time when i feel rejected. Like she will make a comment and i will think, "Oh great, she thinks i'm lazy or not working hard enough in therapy, just like my dad thought i was lazy as a kid for not cleaning my gerbil cage." That is what i thought when she said she knew i carried around the DBT book but was i ever using the skills? I find that it can be very hard sometimes to figure out if my reactions to my t are based on what she says/does or if it is based on what i expect her to say/do/think because i am conditioned to look for rejection.
I appreciate your support, Purplefins.