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Abby,

Yes, the depression is lying to you. I know that it is hard to believe it because your feelings are real to you, even if you do know deep inside yourself that you are an intelligent, caring person who does not deserve all this guilt. Try this - imagine that you got a new haircut and someone didn't notice it because they had their own problems at the moment and were focused inward. Would you be so hurt by it that you would want them to be physically punished to the point of bleeding? I didn't think so. You don't deserve that either. We tend to expect ourselves to be better than we expect other people to be, even to the point of expecting ourselves to be perfect. Why should we hold ourselves to such a higher standard than we would anyone else? It isn't fair. It's a lie, isn't it?

We don't know if the chemical imbalance causes the depression symptoms - thoughts and feelings - or if it is the other way around, but we do have effective treatment available for it. You deserve better. And it's so much easier to get treatment and stop now than to wait until it gets worse.

You wouldn't be here if you didn't have a need to be. Please talk to someone about what is going on and how you feel. Write it down - that way is easier - I know if I don't write down things like this when I actually sit down to tell someone about it I will gloss over part of it or forget to mention details that are important.

Something about you really tugs at my heart - I think it is that the feelings you describe have been mine too.

Wendy

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>