It's my own fault. I wasn't attending on a regular basis; the "group" therapy program at the hospital. I was supposed to go everyday but my habit, this depression, it makes me wanna stay home where I feel safe; where it's comfortable and warm and nice and the same always. But they want me to spend an hour out in the cold to go get help and I don't care about help, I already gave up years ago. I was only trying because my Dad.. he doesn't dervse a daughter like me so I tried once to find help and change.. and.. those guys.. they take everything you say as the truth and I started being forgotton, being neglected. Your depression isn't that bad, and all we care about now is your school. All I could think was "no, no it is bad, there is more that I feel but I can't say it. You're a professional so why can't you see that I'm drowning in my own feelings and can't come up for air to tell you what's going on!" but no they just sat thinking about school. The more this happend the more I didn't wanna go because what was the point if they were going to neglect the root cause of my problem and try to fix the academics?

Today I woke up feeling that I was gonna try again, I wasn't going to think "what's the point" anymore I was gonna go everyday and just put away my feelings in a box until I get there. But today I got there and they told me I wasn't supposed to be there.. I broke down and cried, and while I was crying they explained why I wasn't supposed to be there which just made me feel even worse, even though they kept trying to assure me that they were trying to make me calm down. It was like.. the rope I was halfway up, or even a quarter the way up, someone just cut it and I went falling back into that hole again.. I couldn't explain why it was so horrible, and even now, if it wasn't for me and I didn't like it why am I so upset..? I just feels like that one last ray of hope was just put out, someone threw a bucket of water over that torch, my efforts were for nothing and now there's just nothing for me, nothing to do, but to sit at home and wait for death.

The little devil on my shoulder is saying that now I'm not going to amount to anything, everything i try will always, always fail.. and the staff at the hospital shot my angel; they blocked the end of the tunnel so i can't see the light..

Sorry for venting.