I've been in a very stuck, paralyzed place for such a long time, in all the major areas of life, due to strong fears of failure and feeling undeserving. My life feels out of control. I've felt unempowered, unable to take charge and chart a course, for a very long time in my life. I don't trust my judgment, I often don't think clearly, don't retain information, and my self-esteem is in the gutter. For quite a while, I've wanted to make an effort to meet someone, and have intended to register with an online dating site or two. I can't get started. I've written about this before, within another forum. I received feedback that I am as deserving of love as anyone else, despite being on disability for depression, anxiety and ADD, and not having worked professionally for 7 years, and despite being in my mid-fifties. Maybe I need to "act as if" I felt healthy self-esteem, if I can manage to conjure that. I don't want my life to continue to be this small. I've allowed it to be that way for way too long. But, part of me wants to wave a white flag, and admit defeat after all this time of stagnation and wishful thinking. It's the same with another goal of wanting to at least try to get out of poverty, and find work or be self-employed. Again, I am terrified of failure and humiliation. Again, I know that this isn't rocket science. I need to plan small, concrete steps and take them, not waiting for the fear to subside.

I'm in a discouraged and somewhat despairing state of mind at this moment. Perhaps, for that reason, I shouldn't be writing at all, or should wait for a brighter mood, a brighter moment. Maybe I just need to vent and express the anger and frustration I feel toward myself, and grief over so many years lost to living small.