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I think I'm going crazy…like insane crazy. My official diagnosis is Bipolar II but honestly I spent probably 98% of my time being super depressed even suicidal a couple of times. I would have a good run of a couple of days where I had more energy and I could get some things done. Then at the beginning of this month I went into a mixed episode which I have never had. It was my understanding the Bipolar II people couldn’t have mixed episodes. I was really jittery and hyper and wanted to crawl out of my skin but still depressed. I went to the pdoc and all of the meds I was on before the mixed episode are gone and I'm on a whole new set of meds including Depakote, Zyprexa and Xanax. But instead of helping it is making it worse. I am having some very strange and random thoughts like wanting to walk on the railing of a huge bridge that is near me just to see if I can do it. I don’t want to hurt myself but I guess I'm a bit afraid that I will hurt myself, unintentionally because of this. Now all I want to do is run around the house cleaning every little speck of dirt, get all my homework done for my college classes and host amazing parties but at the same time I just want to curl up in bed and sleep in hopes of my mind shutting off for a few hours. I am so desperate for sleep I am taking muscle relaxers that were prescribed for me after my knee surgery 4 months ago. I don’t want to start abusing drugs just so I can sleep.
I don’t know what this post is all about but hey for the last 5 minutes I have been focused on one task and sitting still. I guess I'm pretty scared about all of this because it has never ever happened before. I'm the only one in my family that has Bipolar and I have no one to ask to see if I'm losing it or not. I'm also afraid that if I tell my pdoc and my T that I will be sent to the hospital. I have been there for suicidal urges but never for being on the other side. Is this normal for a mixed episode or what??
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