I am 32 this year.
I am tired.
I can't eat, I don't want to sleep but I don't want to wake up.
I am terrified of my own mind - it is so chaotic, so confused.
I am terrified of the nightmare I have created of my own life.
Lonely little girl now lonely woman still feeling like a loney little girl.
Left to my own devices because people think I like it that way.
I feel like nothing. I feel invisible.
I have fantasies that the bus I'm travelling in, the train I'm riding, will crash. Ihave fantasies that the sky will fall and the world will end. Because everything would be easier if the disaster came from outside me, then noone would blame me.

I don't feel like I am here. I don't feel needed. I want to be here...somehow.
I am tired of always bieng in pain, inside, outside. Every nerve, muscle, tendon, cell of my body aches. Noone can say how my syndrome will affect me in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years. How long will I be able to walk for? When will my hands stop working? (PLease, please, don't touch my hands, I need to draw, without that I may as well not breathe)

I feel broken.